I Can't Handle My Feelings Ugh

HERE'S A WEIRD, FUNNY THOUGHT: FEELINGS SUCK. 

And I'm not just talking about a petty, "he's-kinda-cute" crush. I'm talking all-consuming, years-of-suppressing, blind-siding, I'm-starting-to-feel-pathetic kind of crush. 

18 years later and I'm still stuck in the same situation: never putting myself out there to reveal my true feelings and ending up just silently dying inside. Different person, same situation. Every. Time. My love life might as well be a freaking vacuum cleaner because it sucks. 

Why am I sitting here blogging about it when I can go ahead and profess my undying love? Truth is, I don't know. I'm a wuss, let's leave it at that.

I guess you can say it's my fault for always playing it safe by never taking a leap of faith, but you know what, it's for everybody's good. Why ruin a perfectly good friendship with feelings and potential misunderstandings when you can just play the role of a really good friend in his life and try not to chew glass when someone so much as flirts with him. It's simple, really.

There's this pretty ancient Taylor Swift song called "Invisible" and it's one of those songs that I just listen to and not feel anything because I couldn't quite relate to it. But now it approximately has 66 plays in the past 6 hours and I've cried approximately 6,000 tears (just kidding) (but it was a rough 6 hours).

Long story short, it's another tale of unrequited love -- which is now, also, my life. The fact that my stupid crush was not at all that likely to have a stupid crush made this whole stupid thing a lot easier because I didn't have anything to worry about. And it comes back biting me in the ass. 

Complacency!!!

I don't know how to navigate through these emotions. I'm not even allowed to have these emotions in the first place because I'm no one of significance whatsoever, but biology betrays me once again and my instincts tell me to either cry or eat cookies. So far I've done both.

But the point is: I'm torn between a) shrugging it off and just accepting the fact that okay, he likes somebody else (SOMEONE WHO'S NOT ME), or b) just completely abandoning my feelings.

Plan B is semi-in motion because I've realized that this is ultimately quite pointless. 

It's pointless if I'm never gonna act upon these feelings (unlikely) and it's pointless to wait around and see if he feels the same way about me and confesses before I do (even more unlikely).  

And honestly, this is all starting to feel a lot like high school to me which is bizarre because I'm technically an adult, and adults don't deal with their feelings by quietly pining over someone from a sizeable distance away.

It's fight or flight... and I'm choosing to fly away.

You could say it's the easy way out because it means never having to confront your feelings, but I'd like to say I'm being smart about this. Might take longer than I'm imagining, but still manageable. How hard can it be to get over a cute, smart, funny guy like him who's a complete pain in the ass but is still irresistible? Pffft. Pffffffffft.

And as for my love life: abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

Dante Magazine

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I'm really pleased and amazed with our final magazine for our PUBLISH class turned out! For something that was crammed in the span of 2 weeks, I think our team did a pretty good job putting together this thing of beauty.

Janine's layout is really what brought everything together and despite the minimalistic approach to the design, I think this is where the whole "less is more" thing really applies. 

Dante is an art magazine and we intended it to be a creative outlet for the youth. It focuses on aesthetic and writing, which I really love. And for our first issue, we decided for it to revolve around the theme: The 7 Deadly Sins which inspired the name of the magazine -- Dante -- meaning Dante Alighieri, the author of Inferno.

Initially, we thought it seemed like such a heavy theme for a magazine. When you think of magazines, the first thing that comes to mind is either pop culture, high fashion, and the like, but we thought deviating from cookie-cutter ideas would be quite refreshing.

These are some of my favorite parts!

Flipping open the magazine and seeing an all-black spread sets the mood immediately. I was flipping out over how nice this will look if it were actually printed on glossies. So freakin' cool.

The contents of the magazine are basically short stories, proses, poems, photography, and art. Most of them we wrote ourselves, but we had to get contributors who could bring the magazine to life and provide us with good art.

This was a poem I wrote a year ago. I first wanted it to be published anonymously, but hey, if we're talking about expression and creative outlets, I might as well go for it, right?

One of my good friends, Adriel Tangoan, took this lovely image. I had to creep around his Tumblr account where he used to post most of his photography and I found this gem from a year ago!

The most interesting part of it was writing fictional short stories for the seven deadly sins. The theme was kinda tricky and the challenge was articulating emotions in a subtle way and let the story creep up on the reader. It was a lot of fun! Writing for envy and pride (admittedly two of the sins I'm most guilty of) made me cringe BADLY. I had to transform my "zone" into something dark and toxic. I hope that it worked? Haha!

I thoroughly enjoyed writing Walls. Guess I just have a knack for sad shit.

If you want to see more, you can view the entire magazine here!

It is accompanied by a website and I am incredibly proud to say that we own the domain! Weehoo! You can also check out the website here. It would be real lovely if you did!

Film Reviews: Sofia Coppola

One of the major perks of studying Communication Arts is I get to write about anything and everything -- including my musings. For our feature writing in class, I decided to write about one of my favorite directors ever: Sofia Coppola. 

I've long been meaning to write reviews about her films so this assignment (well, actually, it was our final paper) was loads of fun even though there was the pressure of doing her works justice. 

Lost In Translation (2003)

The world passes by Bob Harris, a tired and lonely actor who found himself in Japan to promote whiskey for a sizeable talent fee, and in an attempt to boost his career. When he forms a bond with Charlotte, who constantly finds herself alone when her husband goes to work, they happily bask in the unfamiliar setting of Japan; and as the days slip by, the realization that what they have is an intimate, however mostly platonic, relationship begins to hit them.  These are characters who share not only the same dilemma of dealing with a foreign country’s language barrier, but something deeper that nags the corners of their minds in sleepless nights -- loneliness.

My lack of exploring both in foreign places and the unfamiliar territory of love is what makes this film quite an adventure for me. Admittedly, though, it is Bill Murray’s performance that I see as the icing on top of this beautiful film.

Sofia Coppola lavishes in the emotions of the characters by taking her time in establishing the story. The long stretches of quiet scenes where Bob or Charlotte is seen staring blankly across the room leaves an empty feeling in me, as if so much as a draw of breath from me will startle the characters on screen. Sofia handles the film with grace that the story unravels on its own without a “shove” in the plot that is more often than not a hit or a miss. Witty and genuinely amusing, the screenplay – that I genuinely enjoy – delivers so much by saying so little. The film makes you feel that words have become unnecessary, that a look shared by the two characters is an adequate expression of emotions and you understand. Even Bob merely patting Charlotte’s feet contains such deep emotional intimacy that I find that simple act serves as the pivotal part of the film.

The shots of the concrete jungle that is Japan are mesmerizing and gave me the same wonder and shock that Bob feels when he is plunged into the heart of the city. It felt as though I was travelling with them. It does not fail to deliver beautiful imagery, with the camera placed in all the right places so the angles are just right. Along with the visual beauty of the film, I especially enjoy the music that truly sets the atmosphere. It thoroughly makes you feel the conflicting emotions of loneliness, happiness, security, confusion. The film is a quiet storm that leaves an aftermath.

I will always question what Bob whispers to Charlotte at the end of the film and although it upsets me that they will never reveal what it is, it is that private moment that gives me closure. It is not a love story so much as a story about love. It does not conform to the generic formula and it is not bound by the rules of a typical Hollywood tale. You feel, and that is the purpose of this raw and powerful tale.

Someday (2010)

The film captures Hollywood without the glamor, particularly through Johnny Marco, a big-time actor who stays in the Chateau Hotel with money to waste, women at his disposal, and a lifestyle that has severely numbed him, resulting in his passive and robot-esque demeanor. With the sudden introduction of Cleo, his eleven-year-old daughter to his life, his world is shaken, waking him up from what seemed like an emotional paralysis.

The beauty of the film is its focus on character study, with long stretches of silence and the aimless, mechanical movements of Johnny as he sits on his couch, dragging on a cigarette and basking in an all-consuming loneliness. Contrary to making the film dull, the application of slow cinema extremely heightens the realism of the film. I’ve realized that working with a laconic script is its essence; the majority of the film is spent in contemplative silence and it urges the audience to really look and think. The film gives the audience the opportunity to look deeper and to feel deeper. It is hushed and quiet, intimate and authentic.

Again, Sofia Coppola makes use of subtlety and minimalism and directs the attention to the characters and examines them. Who are they? What are they thinking? The film presents scenarios and allows the audience to draw conclusions for themselves. As a fan of character study, Sofia’s representation of each characters, I believe, is something that gives life to the film.

The father-daughter dynamic of Cleo and Johnny is expected of an estranged family; however, Cleo looks at his father with wonder and adoration. Her innocence snaps Johnny out his bizarre bafflement, and he no longer feels the need to fill the void inside of him because of Cleo’s presence.

The use of long shots emphasizes the dissociation and isolation of the characters and its silences speak volumes. The absence of music initially made me uncomfortable, but the scenes were long enough that I was able to settle in the quiet. It is a simplistic take on Johnny’s struggle to make up for lost time with his daughter. Warmth radiates from the two characters, and it is both heartbreaking and comforting.

The Virgin Suicides (1999)

Undeniably one of my personal favorites, The Virgin Suicides is a passively dark film disguised in the form of 6 seemingly upbeat teenage girls living in the suburbs under the watchful eyes of their strict parents. The film explores adolescence, sexuality, loneliness, yearning, the loss of innocence, and coping with shattered ideals. For such heavy themes, Sofia Coppola presents the story with a lightness that lulls you in a state of whim with the occasional funny punchlines despite the rattling first few scenes of the film. Then the story begins to unravel and the airy feel gradually dissolves, replaced by a hollowness that is ironically palpable.

It is an elegant film, one that you cannot help but adore, both in terms of aesthetic and story. Sofia makes use of tight shots and close-ups, to wide shots of the characters. I find that it is the amount of attention paid to the detail that ties everything perfectly well together, resulting in a mundane but bewitching atmosphere. Hazy and mysterious, the dreamy tones and color palette of the film allow you to see the world through the eyes of the neighborhood boys who have long been admiring and lusting after the Lisbon girls.

What I consider the most wonderful element of the film is its subtlety and Sofia’s ability to communicate emotions through glances, gestures, expressions, and even the slightest shifting of ambient music. These things draw the audience to the girls the same way the narrators (or “we” as referred to in the book) are drawn to them. It makes for a chilling viewing experience partnered with an equally chilling narrative of sisters who took their lives for reasons that are still unknown.

Whether it is the boys’ fantasies or real-life, there is the same hypnotic feel. From when the boys daydream of the Lisbon sisters frolicking in the fields to organizing a prison break from the girls’ house arrest, the glaring absence of realism doesn’t hit you until the death of the girls.

Even days after seeing the film, it is of the lingering variety. My peculiar knack for moody films is also probably the reason why this is the strongest contender in my list of favorite Sofia Coppola films.

Change

What a cliche but necessary thing to write about this new year. "New year, new me" and all that crap. And while I secretly roll my eyes at those pledges people make to themselves (and dare I say they last shorter than a Kardashian marriage), I like the idea of a fresh start. A clean slate. And every new year, it's an opportunity to "upgrade".

I like change as much as the next guy, sure. Changing the bed sheets, curtains, basically anything for hygienic purposes, but if it's a rather drastic change, like, say, an impulsive haircut, for me it feels like the world has tilted off its axis and rolled towards an all-consuming black hole. Change. Yikes. Not really my thing, but in the interest of full disclosure, I will explain.

Anything that doesn't stomp around familiar territory, my immediate instinct is to cower away and metaphorically (sadly not literally) hop on the next train to Nope Town. I don't exactly welcome change with open arms, in fact, I detest it. 

I've always had a thing for hiding underneath the cloak of familiarity and comfort. I always need a little push (make that a full-on shove) to get me to do something that I normally wouldn't do. For instance, my fear of change is obviously reflected in my hairstyle. Fun fact: I've had the same haircut for the last 10 years, I shit you not. Aside from cutting it once a year (another fun fact: I like haircuts as much as I like terrorism), my hair is basically a "virgin". All it took was one bad trip to the salon a couple of years ago to shatter my faith in hairdressers and make haircuts a traumatic experience. It was a disaster and I've been cutting my own bangs ever since. Not once have I tried to dye my hair before either. Why not try a new hairstyle for a change, you ask? Well, there's not really an undo button for hair, is there? Or an undo button for life while we're at it? My desire for change is often overpowered by this fear, pushing me into the far corners of safety and... boringness.

The point is, the way I feel about my hair is the same way I feel about the other things in my life. Change requires a leap of faith when I'm perfectly fine with just hanging onto my safety harness. Change means losing what you've long been acquainted to without some sort of reassurance.

I'd like to see it as a sign when I read Dash and Lily's Book of Dares over Christmas and completely related to Lily. She wants to embrace danger and shed her Lily Bear image which I'm also trying to work on.

In that case, let me present to you my new year's resolution (which I will take seriously): learn to see change as an opportunity to grow. My comfort zone is ginormous which means I have to take the extra mile to push myself. I will learn to react positively to change; to react more like "Oh that's not what I'm used to but it'll make me grow as a person" and less like "No no nono nonono".

I would list down my other resolutions but this blog post wouldn't end. Truth is, there's a lot of things I'm working on, but part of that is to learn to take things day by day. I mean, I didn't expect myself to be a changed person  the moment I opened my eyes today, but there will be progress. Might be a slow one, might be a quick one.

Thank you, 2014, for being a totally shitty, totally fun year full of ups and downs (more than what I signed up for, really) without which, I will never be who I am right now. The next year has a lot of promise and opportunities and I intend to seize them.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be spending the next three months awkwardly scribbling "2015" on papers.