Change

What a cliche but necessary thing to write about this new year. "New year, new me" and all that crap. And while I secretly roll my eyes at those pledges people make to themselves (and dare I say they last shorter than a Kardashian marriage), I like the idea of a fresh start. A clean slate. And every new year, it's an opportunity to "upgrade".

I like change as much as the next guy, sure. Changing the bed sheets, curtains, basically anything for hygienic purposes, but if it's a rather drastic change, like, say, an impulsive haircut, for me it feels like the world has tilted off its axis and rolled towards an all-consuming black hole. Change. Yikes. Not really my thing, but in the interest of full disclosure, I will explain.

Anything that doesn't stomp around familiar territory, my immediate instinct is to cower away and metaphorically (sadly not literally) hop on the next train to Nope Town. I don't exactly welcome change with open arms, in fact, I detest it. 

I've always had a thing for hiding underneath the cloak of familiarity and comfort. I always need a little push (make that a full-on shove) to get me to do something that I normally wouldn't do. For instance, my fear of change is obviously reflected in my hairstyle. Fun fact: I've had the same haircut for the last 10 years, I shit you not. Aside from cutting it once a year (another fun fact: I like haircuts as much as I like terrorism), my hair is basically a "virgin". All it took was one bad trip to the salon a couple of years ago to shatter my faith in hairdressers and make haircuts a traumatic experience. It was a disaster and I've been cutting my own bangs ever since. Not once have I tried to dye my hair before either. Why not try a new hairstyle for a change, you ask? Well, there's not really an undo button for hair, is there? Or an undo button for life while we're at it? My desire for change is often overpowered by this fear, pushing me into the far corners of safety and... boringness.

The point is, the way I feel about my hair is the same way I feel about the other things in my life. Change requires a leap of faith when I'm perfectly fine with just hanging onto my safety harness. Change means losing what you've long been acquainted to without some sort of reassurance.

I'd like to see it as a sign when I read Dash and Lily's Book of Dares over Christmas and completely related to Lily. She wants to embrace danger and shed her Lily Bear image which I'm also trying to work on.

In that case, let me present to you my new year's resolution (which I will take seriously): learn to see change as an opportunity to grow. My comfort zone is ginormous which means I have to take the extra mile to push myself. I will learn to react positively to change; to react more like "Oh that's not what I'm used to but it'll make me grow as a person" and less like "No no nono nonono".

I would list down my other resolutions but this blog post wouldn't end. Truth is, there's a lot of things I'm working on, but part of that is to learn to take things day by day. I mean, I didn't expect myself to be a changed person  the moment I opened my eyes today, but there will be progress. Might be a slow one, might be a quick one.

Thank you, 2014, for being a totally shitty, totally fun year full of ups and downs (more than what I signed up for, really) without which, I will never be who I am right now. The next year has a lot of promise and opportunities and I intend to seize them.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be spending the next three months awkwardly scribbling "2015" on papers.