Reading Between The Lines of What Is and What's Not

It’s been over a week since he texted me saying he missed me. Not only had he shook me up, but it also rattled the cage of our fragile relationship… if there was any.

I don’t know where I stood with him and I never did.

We rarely spoke to each other and when we do, it’s such an awkward interaction to be considered as friendship. On special occasions, he’d tell me he misses me, but that’s it, he just misses me and he never does anything about it. 

The funny thing is, he’s so much like a ghost. He comes around every now and then and just disappears in thin air leaving me hanging. 

I was finally okay, I was doing good without having him crossing my mind on a daily basis. I was finally able to listen to songs without him burning at the back of my mind. And it’s like he does it on purpose, when I’m THIS close to completely letting go, he comes around and ruins everything that took so much time and acceptance.

But the fact that he said he missed me didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I grew numb and just like my fingers, my heart has calluses that even he can’t get through anymore. He just brought frustration and confusion most of the time as he sends mixed signals. Knowing him, there’s a lot more where that came from.

Sure, the things he says linger in my mind more than I would like to admit, but mostly it’s just because out of curiosity.

What I don’t get is, what does he expect to happen? What does he expect from me?

Was he simply trying to tell me he just misses me and my presence? Or was that a code for something else? 

When he sends the messages, I often wonder what he thinks of. Does he know that it will hit me with as much force as a baseball bat? And what does he get from it? At this point, I’m pretty much convinced that his words are rehearsed and worn out from all of the other girls that’s heard them too. 

And maybe that’s what feels wrong about it, that it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me. Like I share those words with somebody else.

Or maybe he’s just the kind of guy that does that for fun. “OH MAN, JUST TALKED TO MY EX TOTALLY TRICKED HER INTO THINKING THAT I STILL GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HER LOL #ThrowbackThursday”

Because I am and possibly forever will be a pussy, I can never muster the courage to directly ask what he wants to happen. 

I never learn.

With unmeant words come heartache. 

The things he says are as about as confusing as Trigonometry, but I’ll have to start learning how to read between the lines of what actually is and what’s not. Or maybe not even bother to read them at all and train my reflexes to immediately push out any thought of him or any emotional attachments.

Sometimes, as much as you want to be with someone, you have to consider other things too. In my case,

• He does not give a fuck
• He will never give a fuck
• He toys with my emotions
• He is frustrating
• He is an undeserving little shit

So there we have it.

In conclusion, this problem has been ages ago. And frankly, I’ve come to the point where “The Girl Who Will Be Waiting Forever” will no longer take another second of this fuckery. Into the trash bin you go, feelings.

And for what it’s worth, nobody deserves to be someone’s past time.