I've been putting off writing lately for reasons I have yet to understand. They're mostly disguised as pathetic excuses like "I have a lot of homework" or "not much interesting things happened anyway" and frankly, I deserve a slap in the face for fearing a blank page and a restless mind and not having enough courage to articulate them into words.
I really don't want to end the year on a weird note, in the context of writing. And I really want to start off the new year with good writing juju. If there's one thing I've learned this year, it's that writing is a muscle and I have to exercise it.
Before 2013 ends, I'd like to say I made good decisions that outweigh the dumb ones on a hypothetical scale. I had my fair share of core-shuddering, soul-cringing events this year that will probably induce awkward cringe attacks in the next 50 years, but I'd like to look back on the past year with complete pride and a nod of my head and think: yep, I made it through another beautiful shitstorm of a year.
Being sixteen and awfully young and being in the constant tug-of-war between responsibilities and freedom, the crushing pressure of being smack dab in the middle of finding who you are and what you're gonna do and where you fit in is always on the verge of cracking me. There were a lot of moments when I gave myself and my future the benefit of the doubt (which was quite unhealthy considering it rattled the cage of my already-fragile faith).
Naturally, I think it's good to question everything. Being young and stubborn, and with lack of actual experiences, I tend to be overly idealistic to the point where I don't consider practicality. This, I fear, might eventually lead me to a series of bad decisions and I told you so's.
But despite second-guessing my instincts and finding my way through the dark, I guess I've been looking at mistakes the wrong way. I've grown to think they're healthy, if anything. They're basically warning shots. Not that I'm saying that this is a noble justification for being stupid and going about life without thinking anything through. I guess what I'm saying is, I could be worse.
I could be doing cocaine, so personally I think my parents have a lot of thanking to do.
Heh. Heh.
All kidding aside, the past year definitely emphasized the brick wall between what is right and wrong, and good or bad. Not completely, but it's a start. I still have a long way to go, but I guess I have to take it one awkward day at a time.
And while there wasn't really anything groundbreaking that happened in 2013, I learned not to beat myself up too much for the could-haves and should-haves and basically everything that was beyond my control. And the sudden realization that life is really just a massive ocean and I'm gonna have to sink or swim and it's not always smooth sailing and I have to roll with the punches, hit me like a punch in the gut.
2013, 2014... they're mere numbers.
Labels of the years, a friendly reminder of the starting points and finishing lines of different chapters.
Whether it's actually New Years Eve or halfway through the year, I'd like to think it's never too late to change anything or feel differently. There are still plenty of mistakes to make and lessons to learn and things to understand and I can't wait.
And lastly, I definitely don't wanna view New Year's Eve as expiration dates to new-found friendships or life lessons or love.
Here's to 2014!
Let me end it with my newly-adapted mantra:
"The more you love your decisions, the less you need others to love them."
